The Stars Hold My Memories
by almostcompletelysane
Summary: [one shot] Draco is back at Hogwarts on the night of the aniversary of his love's death, reliving the memories of nights long ago, things he wishes with all his heart to forget, and left with the knowledge that he never can


**Disclaimer: As much as I wish they were mine, sadly, Harry and Co. belong to JKR, not me**

After all these years, it seems weird to be back to the place where I spent the majority of my adolescence.

I sometimes wish I hadn't, then I never would have met her, I never would have fallen in love, and never gotten my heart broken. But I think that maybe not knowing her would have been worse.

If it weren't for her, I would most likely be a death eater, not to mention dead. And my father would be alive, but I think he's better off in the Malfoy family tomb. I still wonder if she knew how much she meant to me, how she changed my life, melted the ice of my demeanor, (around her at least). How she made me into who I am today.

This place holds so many memories for me, many unpleasant. But night at Hogwarts holds the most, the ones I hope to always remember.

As I walk out the deserted grounds, all the students having gone home, I once again feel completely alone I am, even the teachers are out in Hogsmeade to celebrate the end of the school year.

My feet seem to be guiding my wandering, for before long I find myself in the small clearing that I never thought I would return to, I'm not even sure I want to be here now. A small stone is set in the grass at the base of a tree, facing a view of the lake through the trees.

She had always loved this spot, forbidden forest be damned. Dumbledore could have threatened to expel anyone caught within fifty feet of it and she would still have come back.

The lake glows eerily in the moonlight, and a tentacle stretches lazily through the surface before sliding back down.

The first time we had ever had a civil conversation was in this clearing, and I remembered it like it only happened that morning.

_-Flash back-_

_He had been sitting in the clearing, facing the lake, leaning back against a tree. It had been a cool autumn afternoon, around late October; it was a Hogsmeade weekend, so instead of accompanying his moronic watchdog friends he had come here to read. The crackle of leaves next to him brought his attention from his book._

"_What are you doing here_ Malfoy_?" _

_Draco almost winced from the malice in that last word, but he was used to it, after all, he had been dealing with Hermione Granger for over five years now._

"_Well _mudblood_, I was attempting to read" he responded, but, unlike her, his voice wasn't laced with the malevolence that usually accompanied it, he was just too tired._

"_Don't let me stop you" she said, and then instead of walking away, she went over to a tree across from him, pulled out a book, sat down, and started to read. _

_He stared at the cover of her book, trying to read it from across the clearing, knowing Granger he assumed it was something for school. _We The Living_, by Ayn Rand, ok, so not quite school material. _

_He looked down at his own book, Anthem, coincidentally written by Ayn Rand; he sighed, and went back to the misdeeds of Equality. _

_After about an hour of silence, she spoke suddenly, never taking her eyes off the page in front of her._

"_I never knew you read Malfoy" she stated simply _

"_Well it would be a little hard to get to 6th year without that particular skill don't you think?" he responded, drawing his gaze to her. She continued reading as she spoke again_

"_I meant read books _outside _of school" she said, before surprising him by looking up from the pages of her book._

"_The puny library in the castle has nothing I want, my own is about twice its size" he didn't add that it was mostly filled with books on dark magic from his father, who would never allow the kind of books he enjoyed._

_She rolled her eyes "uh huh" she said, glancing down at the cover of his book on the ground. _

"_Ayn Rand" she stated "I never would have guessed you to be one to read muggle books Malfoy, what happened to the muggle hating ass I've grown to know?" _

"_Just because I don't mind the books doesn't mean I like the people." _

_She nodded, and not knowing what he was doing, or why for that matter, he just kept talking. _

"_Wizarding books are all educational, muggle books aren't. They never expect anything of you. In books you can be whoever you want to be, and they can, if you so desire, take you to another world. They are a much needed escape in a life to unpleasant to live full time"_

"_You know Malfoy, I think we're more alike then you think" she said, staring straight into his eyes._

_He looked down, but from the corner of his eyes he saw her go back to the pages of her book. _

"_Perhaps we are" _

_-End flashback-_

I dropped down to my knees next to the weather worn stone and ran my fingers across the words etched deeply into the smooth gray surface.

**Hermione Anne Granger**

**The Brightest Witch of Her Age**

**1986-2004**

She had given her life in the final battle, died in my arms; my father had killed her, so I killed him.

In all the years since I've never thought it was fair, Hermione knew more than Potter and the Weasel combined, how had they survived and not her?

I suppose it was because they had stayed back, behind the front lines, letting the other members of the Order protect them. All Potter had done was wait until the dark lord ad been weakened by the spells of others and then finish him off.

Hermione had thrown herself into the battle headfirst, she didn't for a second give a damn about her own safety, and took down more death eaters with non lethal spells than two or three other Order members combined.

That was, until she found herself facing my father, when she got surrounded, and no one helped her, though she had helped countless others.

Those who were supposed to be her friends aren't worth the air they breathe, moving on while their supposed best friend lies cold and dead beneath six feet of earth.

Just watching them talk and laugh with their latest trophy girl sickens me, knowing that she never got the chance to grow up, to follow her dreams, and I knew she would have achieved them, while they have that chance, and waste it, living off Potter's parent's money.

Some might say the same about me, but then, those are the ones who don't know me at all. Since the night they died I haven't used a Knut of my parents' money for myself.

But I don't want to think about them, I want to think about her, I don't need the anger anymore. I'm done with being angry.

_-Flashback-_

_They had been going out about a month when they found it. Walking through the corridors at the end of their 6th year, they had been talking quietly; they were so lost in their conversation that they weren't really paying attention to where they were going. It was about two in the morning on a starless Saturday when they found it. _

_And old door in a dusty corridor, covered in ornate carvings, details dull from dust, the portraits on either side snoring softly. _

"_Where are we Draco?" she asked quietly, trying not to wake the portraits. _

"_No clue, I haven't been here before" he said looking around the hallway. At the end of a long hallway was the door they were facing, high and noble, it looked like it hadn't been touched in years. _

"_Lets go in" she said, tugging on his sleeve and looking into his eyes, which were almost a foot above her, playful light in her own cinnamon eyes. "Dumbledore never said anything about forbidden rooms this year, how much trouble could we get into?" _

"_You've been hanging around me too much; I think I'm rubbing off on you"_

"_That seems to be the popular opinion, now come on!" she said, grabbing his hand and trying to pull him towards it. _

_He smiled and followed as she opened the door to walk inside. _

_-End flashback-_

Now that door was the entrance to the most recently restored section of Hogwarts, on which a plaque reads: **The Granger Library. Dedicated to the Memory of Hermione Granger, The Brightest Witch of Her Age.**

When we had found it, it was a completely abandoned wing of the castle; Boggarts and dust bunnies had completely take over. But after Hermione's death I had worked in that wing for weeks, cleaning and getting rid of nasty little creatures like a madman.

I hadn't been able to save her, but at least I could do this, kind of like one last gift. Even if her friends didn't remember her, I wanted to make sure someone did.

That library was the only thing I spent my parent's money on, it's a whole wing of books and squashy armchairs, secluded corners, tables and even a few rooms filled with muggle books. Hermione would have loved it, had she been able to see it.

I lay down on my back next to her grave and watched the stars for a while, thinking of her. As it seemed I always thought of her in my quiet moments.

I don't know what is that suddenly brings a wave of memories that sends the long gone burning tears to the corners of my eyes.

Maybe it's the stars, for one memory in particular stands out to me, on a night five and a half years ago looking up into the very same sky

-_Flashback-_

_It had been yet another night of sneaking out of their dormitories long after the sun had set to meet in secret, as no one knew of their friendship. _

_That night in particular found them in the astronomy tower stargazing, neither of the speaking much, just enjoying the others company and the comfortable silence, not awkward or forced, but chosen. _

_Both battled feelings that they knew they couldn't have for each other. _

_Whenever she turned towards him to speak, or just look at him, her breath caught in her throat. Loose silvery blonde hair, face like chiseled marble, glowing in the moonlight. She blushed when she caught herself staring and turned back to stars. At least they didn't make her turn tomato red. _

"_Beautiful aren't they?" she said after a while, still watching the fixed pinpricks of light high above them. _

_At the sound of her voice he turned towards her. Her skin too glowed, making the few freckles on her nose stand out in the moonlight. Her hair tumbled down free and loose on her shoulders, reflecting more colors than it ever appeared to have in the plain light of day. Her large amber eyes held a dreamy cast. He thought she was gorgeous._

"_Yes you are" he said, cringed at the awful cheesiness of that statement. _

_She turned towards him, and smiled, amber eyes lighting on grey ones. "You are _such_ a dork" she said finally. _

"_Me? _I'm _the dork, how is that me, you're the one who spends all her time making friends with the librarian. You practically tuck the books in at night before you leave!" _

"_But I'm not the one sounding like a badly written romance novel"_

_He rolled his eyes_

"_Besides, I am definitely not a dork. I'm a nerd" she said, smiling at him, almost smugly, as if she had beaten him yet again. Even though technically, she hadn't._

_And then they were leaning in. Before either of them knew it, their lips were pressed together, and they were kissing. Not to say that either of them had the slightest objection. It was in that moment that the difference in their bloodlines didn't matter. His father didn't matter. That moment was the only thing that made sense, and under the starry sky, they clung to it._

_-End flashback-_

Our relationship was far from perfect, even from the very start, and keeping it a secret did nothing to help. It just about killed us, but in 7th year, when we made head boy and girl and ended up sharing a common room and had a bathroom that connected our rooms, which made things indescribably easier.

We were perfect for each other.

She showed me light, and because of her I would never become a death eater, or my father.

And I kept her from taking life too seriously and, little by little, let herself rely on others, on me.

We were yin and yang.

I would tell her when she was being a know it all pain in the ass, and she would tell me when I was being an arrogant, self absorbed son of a bitch, and loudly.

We got into all sorts of stupid arguments, none of which ever meant anything which we both knew, and never let get to us.

We were both just infuriatingly stubborn and prideful.

She always knew what I needed, with out me ever having to say a word, and I could never hide anything from her. The mask of indifferent perfection and arrogance were seen right though. Perhaps because she wore a mask of her own.

The one thing she told me that I never argued was it was that there was to be no sex. It was that simple.

She said that she would tell me when she was ready. And I was okay with that.

I never pressured her into anything she didn't want to do; I respected her too much for that.

It had been her first time, and our first time together, we had no idea of its significance until the next day; we never knew that it was to be the last night we would ever spend together.

_-Flashback-_

_Hermione walked into his room, one hand playing with the necklace he had given her a few weeks before, a simple teardrop shaped locket, silver and elegant, with a single dark emerald shining towards the bottom corner. _

_Inside it bore the simple inscription **I love you, forever and always –Draco**. _

_She hadn't taken it off since. _

_She sidled up to his bed and lay down beside him, draping an arm around his waist. Draco smiled and put down his book, wondering what she was up to._

"_You love me right Draco?" came a tentative voice._

"_Of course I do" he said, turning around slightly to look into her amber eyes. _

"_And you would never try to hurt me right?" she asked quietly._

_At this Draco rolled over under her hands to turn his body towards her, and, taking her face in both of his hands, a stroked her cheek gently with his thumb._

"_Never" he said, looking her straight in the eyes, stormy grey on wide amber. _

"_Good" she whispered, her eyes taking on a determined glint. She placed her hands on Draco's and removed them from her bushy hair, backing away, and off the bed. Straightening up she slowly unbuttoned her white school blouse and looked up into his eyes before letting it slip from her shoulders. _

_Then she slipped off the gray pleated skirt she had been wearing and there she was, actually standing before him clad in only a black bra, trimmed with the slightest bit of black lace and a pair of simple black bikini cut cotton panties._

_He got up from the bed and took her in his arms, kissing her hard, she gasped at the sudden movement, and then he felt her lips smile under his own. His arms snaked around her waist and creamy skin that never seemed to tan, no matter how much time she spent in the sun, they were very similar in that way. _

_She kissed back and ran her hands up to the collar of his shirt, removing her lips from his, kissed her way down to the last button, before slipping the slight material off his thin shoulders. She paused for a second, and then moved down to unbutton the closure on his pants as she pushed him back on the bed. A mischievous smirk on her face as she pulled them down and off completely. Now they were even. _

"_Are you sure about this?" Draco asked gently, his forehead creased into a slight frown. _

"_Completely."_

_After, they just laid there for a while, savoring the feeling of their intertwined bodies, skin on skin as she untangled her hands from his hair. She could see the sleek silvery blond of his hair mingling with the bushy brunette of her own; it was a combination Hermione never would have predicted she would live to see. And far from being heavy or uncomfortable, Draco's weight was comforting and she immediately missed it when he rolled over to lie next to her. Not that she minded when he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. _

"_I wasn't kidding you know, you're beautiful" he purred sleepily into her ear as she scooted closer to him, placing her head on his shoulder. He was the only one who could ever make her believe it._

_Draco woke a little while later to see Hermione's eyes staring back down at him with an impish glint, her body propped up with her elbows on her side, facing him._

"_So that's what I've been missing all this time" she said, to which Draco simply smirked up at her._

"_Let's repeat the experience shall we?" she said, and then abruptly attacked Draco's lips with her own once more._

"_I guess you don't regret it then" he said, but not until they had finally separated for a little air._

"_Never" she said, smiling happily._

"_You don't even know how much it means to me that after waiting for so long, you picked me to be your first" he said, and bent down to kiss her lightly on the forehead._

_She moved up again to whisper into his ear, "I want you to be the first and the second and the third and the last." _

_When he opened his mouth to speak again, but she put a finger to his lips, hushing him._

"_I'd say that's enough talking" _

_-End flashback-_

Sometimes I hated myself for letting myself love her and at times her, for making me fall in love with her, even unintentionally, despite that we both knew it would never work, we, could never work.

If I close my eyes I can feel her voice whisper in my ear, her hair against my cheek, her lips on mine.

But as soon as I open them once more, all I can feel are long unshed tears tracing salty paths down my cheeks.

It was so long ago, they all say; the war now more than five years behind me, everyone else has picked themselves up and moved on, but not me.

She was the one to pull me up from the darkness, and now that she is gone, there isn't anyone left.

Was it only dawn that day that she had been so alive? Wide awake and laughing at 5 o'clock in the morning, it was only sunset, when she was gone, never to come back to me.

Never to smile at me, never to laugh when I get frustrated and say something stupid, or do something idiotic in general.

Never to again beat me in our many bouts of verbal sparring, never to kiss me again, never to take another breath or open her eyes.

Never to fulfill the promise she made to me before the battle began.

Never has anyone replaced her.

Never has anyone crossed over the wall she left around my heart, though she never meant to.

Never have I smiled since she left, and I never smiled before she came.

I remember the night I first smiled at her, before there was ever an us, the threat of war so far away.

_-Flashback-_

_He had finally stumped her. It had been the first time in over a week that he won a bout or their little verbal sparring matches, and he was quite proud of himself, for it had been about time for a Malfoy victory. She gloated insufferably too, of course, not that he didn't._

"_You know what?" she asked him, smirking slightly_

"_What?"_

"_I think that's the first time I've ever seen you smile" she said simply, shrugging_

"_That's stupid; of course you've seen me smile before."_

"_Nope"_

"_I do have friends; I've smiled with them, in your presence. I've laughed at Potter in your presence too, and laughing usually entails smiling." _

"_That's not smiling."_

"_What do you means that's not smiling, if its not, then what the hell is it?" he demanded._

"_Those would be smirks and fake smiles"_

"_Even if there was a difference, how the hell would you be able to distinguish between my real smile and my false one?"_

"_So you admit there is a false one, and of course there is. Dense today are we now?"_

"_No I'm not dense, miss-know-it-all but if there is such a great difference in my smiles, please, by all means, enlighten me." _

_She sighed; clearly this was going to take awhile. "Smirks aren't smiles, not real ones anyway. And when you smile and laugh with your friends, they never reach your eyes." she said, and paused for a moment, thinking. "The illusion of happiness isn't an easy one to achieve. But you can't fool me; I've been doing the same thing for years." _

"_So? What makes you think just don't really smile in your presence, maybe the sight of you sickens me so much that I can't." he demanded, his voice rising slightly._

"_Because I know how you are" _

"_What makes you so sure?"_

_She shrugged again, "things"_

"_You and I are completely different, mudblood" he spat, and a first year nearby flinched from the malice edging his voice._

_She never even flinched at the slur, only smirked a little wider_

"_Not as different as you might think, but anyway, just then, when you smiled, your eyes lit up _

"_First of all, we are nothing alike, and secondly, you don't know anything about me, my life, or how I live it. Not that's its any of your business in the first place." _

_She chuckled slightly, amused at how defensive he was getting. "I know more than you think"_

_He bristled, but before he could respond, she turned around and walked towards the door, where she paused for a moment and turned around to face him once more. _

"_By the way Draco, you really should try to smile like that more often, it suits you" she said, before turning around and walking quietly back to the Gryffindor common room. _

_He was left standing there, silently looking through the doorway, watching as her bushy brown hair moved farther and farther away._

_-End flashback-_

But tonight I smile. For it is the end, I am done.

I tried to live, for she would have wanted that of me.

I have done my duty, and found my life wanting, I found myself comparing everyone to her, and they come up wanting.

Wanting for her spark, her smile, her fire, her innocence, her indomitable spirit, and that mischievous smirk I so loved.

All I now desire is to join her.

To see her again, for we knew our love would never work out in life, no matter how we hoped.

But in death we will be together until the end of time.

I pull a vile of an innocent looking pale pink liquid out of my pocket and with steady hands, raise it to my lips, and drink. I can taste the saccharine sweet of the liquid running down my throat. It was a poison that very appropriately, she taught me to make.

I can feel myself getting sleepy, eyelids drooping; I see her face smiling down at me, the last thing I will ever see. She sees me smile for the last time, for I wouldn't have it any other way.

**_A/N: if I get lots of pretty reviews and you all really want me too, I'll write an epilogue, or a prologue, haven't decided yet, so it all depends, so please please please please please please please please please please please please please pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease review. I want to know how I can do better. Please? Pretty Please With Sugar On Top?  
_**


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